NASA Cover-Up Conspiracy Revealed!

 Posted by on 24 February 2014 at 12:00 pm  Cool, Film, Funny
Feb 242014

Mock Commercial for Beans Is Better Than Almost Any Real Commercial for Anything: “Visual effects studio Cinesite produced this crazy-good mock commercial as a way to show off its creature animation skills.”

As Paul said, “I think that there’s been a NASA cover-up. They didn’t want us to see this video.”

The Myth of Diana and Actaeon, Retold

 Posted by on 3 January 2014 at 10:00 am  Film, History, Literature
Jan 032014

Metamorphosis is a stunning beautiful short film retelling the myth of Diana (or Artemis) and Actaeon. I’ve long been familiar with this myth, as it’s surely the most famous one about my namesake. But if you’re not, here’s the story in Ovid’s Metamorphoses.

Bk III:138-164 Actaeon returns from the hunt

Actaeon, one of your grandsons, was your first reason for grief, in all your happiness, Cadmus. Strange horns appeared on his forehead, and his hunting dogs sated themselves on the blood of their master. But if you look carefully, you will find that it was the fault of chance and not wickedness: what wickedness is there in error? It happened on a mountain, stained with the blood of many creatures, and midday had contracted every shadow and the sun was equidistant from either end of his journey. Then Actaeon, the young Boeotian, with a quiet expression, spoke to his companions in the hunt as they wandered through the solitary wilds ‘Friends, our spears and nets are drenched with the blood of our victims, and the day has been fortunate enough. When Aurora in her golden chariot brings another day we will resume our purpose. Now Phoebus is also between the limits of his task, and is splitting open the earth with his heat. Finish your present task and carry home the netted meshes.’ The men obeyed his order and left off their labour.

There was a valley there called Gargaphie, dense with pine trees and sharp cypresses, sacred to Diana of the high-girded tunic, where, in the depths, there is a wooded cave, not fashioned by art. But ingenious nature had imitated art. She had made a natural arch out of native pumice and porous tufa. On the right, a spring of bright clear water murmured into a widening pool, enclosed by grassy banks. Here the woodland goddess, weary from the chase, would bathe her virgin limbs in the crystal liquid.

Bk III:165-205 Actaeon sees Diana naked and is turned into a stag.

Having reached the place, she gives her spear, quiver and unstrung bow to one of the nymphs, her weapon-bearer. Another takes her robe over her arm, while two unfasten the sandals on her feet. Then, more skilful than the rest, Theban Crocale gathers the hair strewn around her neck into a knot, while her own is still loose. Nephele, Hyale, Rhanis, Psecas and Phiale draw water, and pour it over their mistress out of the deep jars.

While Titania is bathing there, in her accustomed place, Cadmus’s grandson, free of his share of the labour, strays with aimless steps through the strange wood, and enters the sacred grove. So the fates would have it. As soon as he reaches the cave mouth dampened by the fountain, the naked nymphs, seeing a man’s face, beat at their breasts and filling the whole wood with their sudden outcry, crowd round Diana to hide her with their bodies. But the goddess stood head and shoulders above all the others. Diana’s face, seen there, while she herself was naked, was the colour of clouds stained by the opposing shafts of sun, or Aurora’s brightness.

However, though her band of nymphs gathered in confusion around her, she stood turning to one side, and looking back, and wishing she had her arrows to hand. She caught up a handful of the water that she did have, and threw it in the man’s face. And as she sprinkled his hair with the vengeful drops she added these words, harbingers of his coming ruin, ‘Now you may tell, if you can tell that is, of having seen me naked!’ Without more threats, she gave the horns of a mature stag to the head she had sprinkled, lengthening his neck, making his ear-tips pointed, changing feet for hands, long legs for arms, and covering his body with a dappled hide. And then she added fear. Autonoë’s brave son flies off, marvelling at such swift speed, within himself. But when he sees his head and horns reflected for certain in the water, he tries to say ‘Oh, look at me!’ but no voice follows. He groans: that is his voice, and tears run down his altered face. Only his mind remains unchanged. What can he do? Shall he return to his home and the royal palace, or lie hidden in the woods? Shame prevents the one, and fear the other.

Bk III:206-231 Actaeon is pursued by his hounds

While he hesitates his dogs catch sight of him. First ‘Black-foot’, Melampus, and keen-scented Ichnobates, ‘Tracker’, signal him with baying, Ichnobates out of Crete, Melampus, Sparta. Then others rush at him swift as the wind, ‘Greedy’, Pamphagus, Dorceus, ‘Gazelle’, Oribasos, ‘Mountaineer’, all out of Arcady: powerful ‘Deerslayer’, Nebrophonos, savage Theron, ‘Whirlwind’, and Laelape, ‘Hunter’.

Then swift-footed Pterelas, ‘Wings’, and trail-scenting Agre, ‘Chaser’, fierce Hylaeus, ‘Woody’, lately gored by a boar, the wolf-born Nape, ‘Valley’, Poemenis, the trusty ‘Shepherd’, and Harpyia, ‘Snatcher’, with her two pups. There is thin-flanked Sicyonian Ladon, ‘Catcher’, Dromas, ‘Runner’, ‘Grinder’, Canache, Sticte ‘Spot’, Tigris ‘Tigress’, Alce, ‘Strong’, and white-haired Leucon, ‘Whitey’, and black-haired Asbolus, ‘Soot’.

Lacon, ‘Spartan’, follows them, a dog well known for his strength, and strong-running Aëllo, ‘Storm’. Then Thoos, ‘Swift’, and speedy Lycisce, ‘Wolf’, with her brother Cyprius ‘Cyprian’. Next ‘Grasper’, Harpalos, with a distinguishing mark of white, in the centre of his black forehead, ‘Black’, Melaneus, and Lachne, ‘Shaggy’, with hairy pelt, Labros, ‘Fury’, and Argiodus, ‘White-tooth’, born of a Cretan sire and Spartan dam, keen-voiced Hylactor, ‘Barker’, and others there is no need to name. The pack of them, greedy for the prey follow over cliffs and crags, and inaccessible rocks, where the way is hard or there is no way at all. He runs, over the places where he has often chased, flying, alas, from his own hounds. He longs to shout ‘I am Actaeon! Know your own master!’ but words fail him, the air echoes to the baying.

Bk III:232-252 Actaeon is killed by the dogs

First ‘Black-hair’, Melanchaetes, wounds his back, then ‘Killer’, Theridamas, and Oresitrophos, the ‘Climber’, clings to his shoulder. They had set out late but outflanked the route by a shortcut over the mountains. While they hold their master the whole pack gathers and they sink their teeth in his body till there is no place left to wound him. He groans and makes a noise, not human, but still not one a deer could make, and fills familiar heights with mournful cries. And on his knees, like a suppliant begging, he turns his wordless head from side to side, as if he were stretching arms out towards them.

Now his friends, unknowingly, urge the ravening crowd of dogs on with their usual cries, looking out for Actaeon, and shouting, in emulation, for absent Actaeon (he turning his head at the sound of his name) complaining he is not there, and through his slowness is missing the spectacle offered by their prey. He might wish to be absent it’s true, but he is here: he might wish to see and not feel the fierce doings of his own hounds. They surround him on every side, sinking their jaws into his flesh, tearing their master to pieces in the deceptive shape of the deer. They say Diana the Quiver-bearer’s anger was not appeased, until his life had ended in innumerable wounds.

Now, here’s the short film, which is masterfully devoid of dialogue:

The painting shown at the outset is Diana and Actaeon by Italian Renaissance master Titian.

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

 Posted by on 23 September 2013 at 2:00 pm  Film, Funny
Sep 232013

Paul and I recently watched Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (NetFlix / Amazon). I didn’t expect it to be good, but I’d watch Jeremy Renner peel apples for two hours, so I thought I’d enjoy it. Alas, as I posted to Facebook:

Well… the “Hansel and Gretel” movie was even stoopider than I thought it would be. I was particularly unimpressed with the slew of death porn (i.e. over-the-top gory, video-game style deaths).

The movie was worth it, however, to get this comment from Kathy: “It sounds as though they ruined an innocent tale of child abuse and cannibalism.”

So true!

How Man Of Steel Should Have Ended

 Posted by on 22 July 2013 at 2:00 pm  Film, Funny
Jul 222013

This is hysterical… and brilliant: How Man Of Steel Should Have Ended:

See also How Looper Should Have Ended:

And How The Dark Knight Rises Should Have Ended:

Aliens Told in 60 Seconds

 Posted by on 18 July 2013 at 2:00 pm  Film, Funny
Jul 182013

Aliens in 60 Seconds:

Here’s The Matrix in 60 Seconds too.

Color Video of London in 1927

 Posted by on 21 May 2013 at 2:00 pm  Film, History
May 212013

London in 1927… in color!

The video description says:

Incredible colour footage of 1920s London shot by an early British pioneer of film named Claude Frisse-Greene, who made a series of travelogues using the colour process his father William – a noted cinematographer – was experimenting with. It’s like a beautifully dusty old postcard you’d find in a junk store, but moving.

Music by Jonquil and Yann Tiersen.

I love early color photographs and videos. The past seems so much more real in color.

Jennifer Lawrence, Real Person

 Posted by on 26 February 2013 at 2:00 pm  Film, Funny
Feb 262013

Oh, Jennifer, how I do love you:

Bacon Movies

 Posted by on 25 February 2013 at 1:00 pm  Film, Food, Funny
Feb 252013

An online acquaintance of mine, Mike, recently sent me the following. I like it too much not to share it!

A friend started a circular email with the idea of taking movie names and changing one word to “bacon.” It came at just the right moment and my twisted carnivorous subconscious pumped out a slew of ‘em. For your delectation:

Bacon at Tiffany’s Bacon and Sympathy The Bacon of King George Bacon in the Grass Bacon Bacon The Bacon of Madison County Eating Bacon Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bacon Lethal Bacon

And not quite by the rules, but Thank You for Smoking Bacon

Other suggestions?

I’m thinking…

Bacon in the Woods 30 Days of Bacon How to Train Your Bacon Million Dollar Bacon

The Trauma of a Blond Benedict Cumberbatch

 Posted by on 13 February 2013 at 2:00 pm  Film, Funny
Feb 132013

I suppose that this story is funny and interesting in and of itself: WikiLeaks movie script apparently leaked — to WikiLeaks founder.

Alas, I was so traumatized by the picture of my beloved Sherlock (a.k.a. Benedict Cumberbatch) as a gross bleached blond that I was rendered speechless. Happily, Grumpy Cat always knows exactly what to say:

The Trouble with Science Education

 Posted by on 16 November 2012 at 11:00 am  Film, Funny, Science
Nov 162012

This is why I majored in philosophy. Wait… OH SNAP!

Suffusion theme by Sayontan Sinha