Funny Newspaper Headlines

 Posted by on 4 February 2006 at 7:57 am  Funny
Feb 042006
 

Some funny newspaper headlines, truth unknown:

Some are just slips of the tongue…

  • Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
  • Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
  • Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
  • House passes gas tax onto senate
  • Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
  • Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
  • William Kelly was fed secretary
  • Milk drinkers are turning to powder
  • Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
  • Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
  • Farmer bill dies in house
  • Iraqi head seeks arms

    Some become unintentionally suggestive…

  • Queen Mary having bottom scraped
  • Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
  • Prostitutes appeal to Pope
  • Panda mating fails – veterinarian takes over
  • NJ judge to rule on nude beach
  • Child’s stool great for use in garden
  • Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
  • Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
  • Organ festival ends in smashing climax

    Grammar often botches other headlines…

  • Eye drops off shelf
  • Squad helps dog bite victim
  • Dealers will hear car talk at noon
  • Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
  • Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
  • Miners refuse to work after death
  • Two Soviet ships collide – one dies
  • Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

    Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended…

  • Never withhold herpes from loved one
  • Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
  • Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
  • Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better

    Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious…

  • If strike isn’t settled quickly it may last a while
  • War dims hope for peace
  • Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
  • Cold wave linked to temperatures
  • Child’s death ruins couple’s holiday
  • Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn’t seen in years
  • Man is fatally slain
  • Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
  • Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

   
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