Breaking Up Philosophically

 Posted by on 6 May 2006 at 1:12 pm  Uncategorized
May 062006
 

A while back, Paul sent me the link to this list of philosophy break-up lines. I’ve taken those that I liked, plus some from the comments:

  • The Teleologist: We aren’t meant for each other. (P.K.)
  • The Deontologist: We aren’t right for each other. (P.K.)
  • The Consequentialist: We aren’t optimal for each other. (P.K.)
  • The Solipsist: It’s not you, it’s me. (P.K.)
  • The Empiricist: I think we should see other people. (P.K.)
  • The Rationalist, v 2.0: I’ve been doing some thinking… (Paul Audi)
  • The Rationalist, v. 3.0: If you can’t see your faults, there’s nothing more I can say. (P.K.)
  • The Content Externalist: Ever since we moved, you’ve changed. (Paul Audi)
  • The Egalitarian: This is the best thing for both of us. (Paul Audi)
  • The Paternalist: In time you’ll come to see that this is the best thing. (Paul Audi)
  • The Humean: Just because we’re always together doesn’t mean we BELONG together. (Paul Audi)
  • The Humean, v. 2.0: Relationships need to be about more than just constant conjoining. (P.K.)
  • The Nagelian: You just don’t know what it’s like to be me. (P.K.)
  • The Foundationalist: We have nothing left to build upon. (P.K.)
  • The Foundationalist, v2.0: I need to be able to branch out more. (P.K.)
  • The Relativist: It’s no one’s fault. (P.K.)
  • The Cartesian: I don’t clearly and distinctly perceive a future together. (Kathryn Schubert)
  • The Hegelian: Do we have to go through this again? (Kathryn Schubert)
  • The Behaviorist: I just can’t keep going through the motions anymore. (Brendan Jackson)
  • The Presentist: There just isn’t any future for us. (Brendan Jackson)
  • The Modal Realist: This will never work–we’re from different worlds. (Brendan Jackson)
  • The Leibnizian: This is all for the best.
  • The Heideggerian: I’m just not comfortable with being-in-this-relationship.
  • The Nihilist: I told you all along that nothing would come between us.
  • The Epiphenomenalist: I still love you, but it doesn’t make any difference.
  • The Adverbialist: I feel terrible-about-this-ly, but…
  • The Emotivist: boo-hoo, boo-hoo
  • The Virtue theorist: I’m being cruel, but only to be kind.
  • The Frankfurtian: Yes, I still love you, but I don’t think that I want to.
  • The Kantian v.2.1: I like you, but I just can’t see universalizing you.
  • The Anti-Solipsist: There’s someone else.
  • The Pragmatist: This just isn’t working anymore.
  • The Many-worlds Quantum Theorist: You’ll still be with me in so many ways.
  • The Kripkian: Our relationship does not exist in the actual world, but perhaps in some other possible world.
  • The Kripkian: You and I are essentially different.
  • The Berkelyian: Our relationship existed only in your mind.
  • The Nominalist: There’s you and there’s me. There is no us.
  • The Carol Gilliganian: Of course I still care!
  • The Brian Leiterian: This breakup is going to be a major loss for Texas-Austin, which may push it above Rutgers next year.
  • The Libertarian: I need my freedom.
  • The Gettierian: I knew I loved somebody in the office, and I am as surprised as you are that it isn’t you.
  • The Internalist: Why? I have my reasons.
  • The Platonist: Not enough dialogue.
  • The Plotinian: I’m sorry, you’re just not the one.
  • The Determinist: I’d stay with you, but it’s not up to me.
  • The Adam Smithian: I’d rather use my “invisible hand” than sleep with you.
  • The Popperian: This can only work if you can prove that it might not.
  • The Brian Leiterian: It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s that my 60 closest friends don’t love you.
  • The Kantian: I’m thinking about what would happen if everyone in the world did you…
  • The Derridian: I take no responsiblity for your mother’s interpretation of what I said when I told her she was a little on the large side.
  • The Egoist: It’s not me, it’s you.
  • The Dualist: My body says yes, but my heart says no!
  • The Freudian: You’re a motherfucker.
  • The Kuhnian: I’m ready for a paradigm shift.
  • The Theist: I can’t explain why I want to break up with you. Therefore, God did it.
  • The Marxist: We’re history.
  • The Hobbesian: I need someone to take charge here. I just don’t feel safe with you.

    There were some suggestions for Objectivists, but I didn’t think any were good.

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